My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
