i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
