At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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