I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
40s are totally the cure
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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