A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
