there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
