I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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