I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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