Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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