I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
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Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
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Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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