I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
