So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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