If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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