Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
