i already hear my dad disowning me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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