I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
