my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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