I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize