I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
