what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
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I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
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Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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