so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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