I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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