Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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