Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
