I wish they made helmets for livers.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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