ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They took my balls.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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