you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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