You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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