some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
