he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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