$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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