I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
