we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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