alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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