I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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