I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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