Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize