i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
