Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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