the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
