I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
