I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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