He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
