I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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