Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
