so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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