I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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