I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
