I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
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Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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