I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
