A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
