I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
