so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So apparently I’m into choking now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
