you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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