This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
