I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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